Doubt. It’s such an ominous, foreboding word, don’t you think? On it’s own, it could be the name of a horror movie or the name of a really creepy clothing line. It doesn’t even make sense- I mean, what’s up with the silent ‘b’? In a sentence, it’s a harmless enough word- ‘Gee Sally, I doubt it’s going to rain today.’ -See? Harmless. BUT, when you throw ‘self’ in front of doubt, it becomes a whole new monster. Let me tell you a little story about self doubt…
Once there was a girl- we’ll call her ‘A’- ‘A’ always had the hardest time making decisions and put a lot of pressure on herself to make the RIGHT decision. Anytime her efforts seemed to fail or her choice turned out to be a bad one, rather than take knowledge away from the experience and persevere to make a better choice next time, she hung her head low and lived with a gnawing regret. The self doubt made her scared and forced her to shy away from life.
‘A’ tried really hard to make everyone around her happy, even, at times, at the expense of her own happiness. She grew up, got married, and had beautiful children. Life threw some curve balls at her but in her most doubtful of moments, she had loving people around her to support her and pull her through. On a dark day, when her doctors made her decide on whether or not to try a blood transfusion on her most precious treasure, she turned the idea round and round in her head, until finally she said ‘yes’. Two days later her treasure’s heart stopped on a computer screen in a dark room full of strangers shaking their heads sadly.
‘A’s self doubt kicked in to overdrive.
She didn’t want to make any more decisions or try anything new. The idea of failing or taking a wrong step, kept a dark cloud over her doubt-plagued mind.
But ‘A’ was missing out on life. She knew she needed goals and challenges. She needed to stop being the ‘listener’ and start being the ‘talker’. She needed to do something for herself. ‘A’ needed to stop doubting herself. So, she ran. She ran, and ran, and ran. And when she was out of breath, she stopped to catch it, and ran some more.
Her self doubt is still there. It creeps in to her thoughts like a thief in the night, trying to steal her dreams. It wants to take hold, and pull her back to where she was, but she won’t let it. Even on her worst of days, she won’t.
Self doubt is always there, but it only matters if we let it matter. Our happiness is our own, we can make it with our own self confidence or break it with our own self doubt.
I will not let a week of poor running or simple mistakes define my happiness or take away from my drive to achieve my goals. Yes, I am pep-talking myself. It was rough out there this morning. But if I’m pep-talking someone else out there that needs it today, then I’m happy to do it.
Be kind to yourself, you are your own worst critic. Life is challenging in more ways than one. Embrace the challenges and know that you are not alone- everyone suffers from the doubt monster every now and then!
I hope that I haven’t scared too many people away today. I just feel like this blog shouldn’t always show the bright bubbly side of things. I suffered from some nasty self doubt this morning- 18 minutes, 1.45 miles, 2 breaks, and a tired sweaty me. Not sure why this week has been so hard, but it has. Maybe it’s the depressing news on TV, or the raging humidity outside, or my body going all traitorous on me. I’ve just been a little down, and frankly, tired. Let’s hope Thursday and Friday are better.
Here’s to another day of discovery, challenges, and fighting to live life to the fullest!